The Hypocrisy in Me

"Ring.....ring.......ring"

"Hello?" I asked breathlessly after I lunged for the phone before my daughter could answer it.

"Mom? It's me, Logan." My oldest son's voice didn't sound so great and I knew what was coming before he asked. "Can you pick me up from school? I don't feel so good."

"Yeah, honey. I'll pick you up in a few minutes." We hung up the phone and I added this one more thing to my already long list of things-to-do. Actually, the only thing on the list was Costco but when I bring children with me that one trip is all I can fit on the list.

After I picked him up from school I asked him what was wrong.

"Well," he began, "When we came in from recess I got really hot and my back hurt and then I felt sick." Looking back I should have known it was probably just dehydration and overheating. But for some reason I didn't think of it at the time.

After Costco Logan and I headed over to the doctor's office. I had a sneaky suspicion that we didn't need to go but we went anyway. Sure enough Logan had perked up considerably and described in great detail how he felt. The doctor confirmed what the nurse said earlier when she ushered us into the room. He was dehydrated and needed to drink water and take it easy in the heat. My heart was both elated that nothing was seriously wrong and also chagrined that I had just forked up twenty dollars for something that could have been cured by a bottle of water.

After the doctor left the room I looked at Logan and said half-jokingly, "Honey, you need to take care of yourself so we don't have to spend twenty dollars on seeing the doctor." As the words left my mouth my conscience yelled, "Hypocrite!!"

Later I apologized to Logan for putting money before him and his needs. I felt awful.

I realized I had been doing the exact same thing for the last several years. So many times I ended up in the doctor's office asking for a antibiotic, anti fungal, anti...whatever. You name it, I'm on it. Or so it seems at times. I have been battling the same medical issue for nearly three years and it has cost us numerous twenty dollar payments. Why? Because I haven't been diligent about keeping close watch on my diet, I haven't stayed on some of the meds I should have been on, and the list goes on. The consequence of my "splurging" is an unhealthy body, poor self-esteem, and a sense of failure because I've never been able to stick to the one thing that would keep me healthy and vibrant for my children.

Hypocrisy is a funny thing. Sometimes we don't even realize that our actions and words counter-act each other. Another day not too long ago my six-year-old looked up at me with big eyes watching the shove a "treat" into my mouth. With all sincerity, sweetness and inability to say his "r's" very well he said, "I thought you were trying to lay off the sugar."

Ouch! He was right. My children watch me say one thing one day but do something else entirely different on other days. What am I teaching them?

The last thing I want to teach my children is that they can say one thing at church or to friends and then act entirely different when nobody is watching. What a horrible lesson to teach my children.

My dad is a pastor of a church here in the Valley and over the years I have had many people ask me if he is the same at home as he is in the pulpit. The answer has always been "Yes!!!" I love my dad and respect him so much because he truly loves the Lord when he's alone or when he's surrounded by the congregation. When he comes home from church on Sundays he is still the same man of God, except a little sleepier. I used to take that for granted, assuming every pastor is the same at home as he is at church, but as I grew up I realized integrity is more rare than I thought. For that reason I respect my dad much more because he sets an amazing example of walking in Faith. I want to be like him when I grow up!

I want my children to respect and love me for that same reason. I want to set an example of doing what I say I'm going to do. I want to lead by example, not just preach at them about what they ought to do. I don't want them to remember me stuffing a doughnut in my mouth and then mumble to them, "Now don't each sugar, children. It's very bad for you." That's like telling your children not to smoke while you light one up. Most children will do what they see their parents doing. I would much rather show them instead of just telling them what it looks like to live a hypocrisy-free life. In my writing class we are constantly being told to show the scene and not just tell it. That goes along with real life too!

The older I get the more I love Jesus. Maybe its the trials I am forced to walk through, maybe it's the realization that life offers no hope outside of Christ or maybe it's a little of both. Whatever the reason, I really have fallen more in love with my Saviour. But I do wonder at times....

Do my children see that love for Christ or do they merely see a woman with multiple personalities that present themselves differently in separate situations?

My prayer is that I will follow the example of Christ and of my dad, by being a woman after God's heart in actions and in words, written or otherwise.

One thing's for sure, I have a really long way to go...