Soul Sifting...

Tonight my little girl melted down at bedtime. It had been a long day of playing hard with cousins and friends and her little soul couldn't take anymore.

I tried to coax her into her Alyssa's room with promises of letting her sleep downstairs with her big brothers the following night. But she kept crying. Next I tried the tough mom act of telling her, "You better be in this bed by the count of three. One, Two..." Still more tears fell down her cheeks. I looked into her sleepy, blue eyes and I wondered how I would get my exhausted four-year-old daughter to calm down and rest. I said a quick prayer under my breath before I began a new tactic.

I realized at that moment that Ellianna needed me to hold her, she just didn't know it yet. I wrapped her blankie around her and spoke softly as I picked her up and brought her to the bed. Her response? She cried harder and tried to escape from my arms. But I continued to be gentle with her despite the tears. I asked if she would like me to lay down with her and she nodded her head yes.

I helped her snuggle down under the covers and then lay down next to her. Her wails calmed to quiet whimpering as I wrapped my arms around her small body and cuddled with her. We prayed together, I sang her a song, I kissed her forehead and soon those deep blue eyes could no longer stay open. Her heavy lids closed and she stopped moving around. I kissed her and then tip-toed out of the room.

I am sad to say that this was the first time in a very long time since I laid down at bedtime with her. The last several months have been busy with so many different things to occupy my mind and heart. I have been slacking off in many ways in my parenting because I thought other things needed to be done first or I deserved to have some down time since I was with the kids all the time.

The truth is those were just excuses for me to play on the computer or be swept up in a story that kept my mind off of my reality. I've let the house fall around my ears, laundry pile up and leave dishes stacked in the kitchen all for the sake of keeping my facebook status updated! I'm so ashamed to even write this because I'm embarrassed of my selfishness over the last year.

I knew the time had come to break this habit and decided when I visited my sister and her family I would take a reprieve from my Internet addiction. I wanted to spend the week talking with Kelly, playing with the kids and making memories. My first day I was so happy to not be chained to the computer. Over the past several days I have laughed at the cute antics of my three-year-old nephew, shared hugs with my children and I had a sweet talk with my nearly ten-year-old son, Logan.

And I haven't missed facebook or twitter once. For the first time in a long time I had a major reality check. I think the accumulation of difficult events in my life plus the death of an amazing christian man have shaken and rearranged my priorities drastically. I have had to take a hard look at my life and realize that what I say and what I do are sometimes different things. I say Jesus is top on my list but I don't spend as much time reading His Word as I do reading a Dean Koontz novel. I say my husband and children are second and third on my list but I don't clean the house for them, I haven't been good at cooking meals for them and I don't tuck them into bed much anymore.

So what are my priorities really? I have to say honestly that I'm first on the list...at least, that's what my actions say.

The truth is Jesus and my family really are top on my list, but my actions have begged to differ. So now I need to make up for lost time. I need to show my family that I love them more then anything else in this world. I want to do the same for Christ.

I must say this has been a wonderful week for me. I left home weary and needing to reevaluate my life. Now I realize I don't want to miss chances to show Christ's love to others; I don't want to miss fun adventures with my children; I don't want to miss living a full life with my husband.

And I really don't want to miss anymore bedtime snuggles with my little girl...